If I had a SCSI

     [ spoken ]
   
     Oh dear Lord:
     you made many, many small systems.
     I realise, of course, that it's no shame to be last year's model,
     (*sigh*) but it's no great honour either.
     So what would have been *so* terrible
     if I'd had just a ...
                             ... small ...
                                             ... upgrade?
   
     [ sung ]
   
     If I had a SCSI
             (yava dava dava duva duva dava dava dum)
     All day long I'd vidi vidi vroom
     If I had a SCSI card ---
     My CPU would work hard
             (yava dava dava duva duva dava dava dum)
     If I had a very wide and fast
     None too idle SCSI interface.
   
     I'd have a big tall box with bays by the dozen
             Room for the biggest disc in town
     By my side or down on the floor below;
     There would be one big dump tape just backing up
             And one even longer winding down
     And one more just retensioning for show ...
   
     I'd get new backplane I/O cards for the empty slots
             Which would suddenly appear
     'Blaster Pro with speakers on either side
     And every moused-up scratch and crackle and fart
             Would land like the Last Trump on the ear
     Proclaiming: Eat your heart out, SGI ...
   
     (ah yes)
   
     If I had a SCSI
             (yava dava dava duva duva dava dava dum)
     All day long I'd vidi vidi vroom
     If I had a SCSI card ---
     My CPU would work hard
             (yava dava dava duva duva dava dava dum)
     If I had a very wide and fast
     Never idle SCSI interface.
   
     I see my man, my user, making like a real house freak
             With a proper swivel chair!
     FTPing source to his heart's delight;
     I see him hacking in Perl and TeXing like a guru
             Joy! on his face I do declare
     Screaming at the servers day and night ...
   
     The most respected benchmark tests
     Would all be run on me
             My speed it will surprise them
             This system really flies ...
     If you please, calculate this sum
     Pardon me, calculate this sum
             With precision that would cross a Cray Five's wires ---
     Norton SpeedIndex, SpecFP, SpecI/O, yo ...
   
     But I need only measure times to within
             An order of magnitude or so
     For ten times bugger all's still bugger all ...
   
     And I would have the space and time that I'd like
             With kernel development to play
     And maybe have my own special system call,
     Andf I'd compile the Holy Source with the latest hacks
             Seven hours every day,
     And that would be the sweetest thing of all ...
   
     (ah yes)
   
     If I had a SCSI
             (yava dava dava duva duva dava dava dum)
     All day long I'd vidi vidi vroom
     If I had a SCSI card ---
     My CPU would work hard
             (yava dava dava duva duva dava dava dum)
     Lord who gave me sixteen meg of RAM
     You left me configured as I am
     Need you pull some planet-shafting scam
             If I had a SCSI card?